Do it for the Instagram, Mark

IMG_1589Sunday afternoon, I run to the grocery store, not actually run because I live in a food semidesert and don’t have energy for that 1.6 miles, and see a huge pack of strawberries on sale.  They’re not actually on sale, they just set them on a display with a huge price sign to make you think you’re getting a deal, when really, you’re only saving one penny per pound buying the fruit in bulk.  Let me tell you, it worked.  Well played, Byerly’s.  I also learned whilst perusing the aisles, organic milk is “extra refreshing.”  I would’ve liked to sit in for that sensory testing session.  I wonder if it’s physically more refreshing or the idea of organic milk is refreshing…  Was it a double blind test?  How do lactose intolerant people feel about the study’s findings?  Extra unrefreshed?  Anyway, I get home and look in Bittman for some inspired strawberry treat of deliciousness (although I know Mark would never use such adjectives)…  As I mentioned, in more than one of my previous posts, Mr. Bittman is unfailingly uninspiring.  I scan through the index under strawberries, nothing sounds good and organic chemistry is consuming my free time.  Strawberries… Shortcakes… Page 913.  The recipe on the page isn’t even for shortcakes, merely their assemblage.  The bulk of the recipe is on a totally different page and is for biscuits.  The page just says to add sugar to the biscuits, sugar the fruit, and whip some cream.  You’ve got to be kidding me, Mark.  Disappointed yet again.  You say, “But he’s just showcasing the versatility of his recipes!  The man is a genius.”  Then write a cookbook called “How to Cook 10 Things, Then Alter Them by One or Two Ingredients and Make 1,000,000 Things,” Mark, that would be impressive.  He couldn’t even retype the biscuit recipe on the shortcake page, I had to flip back and forth, my carpel tunnel is flaring up.  By this point, I’m totally over it, I make the baking powder variation to avoid making my own buttermilk, half everything except the butter a la Paula Deen, and drop them on parchment paper.  I sugar the sliced strawberries, because Mark thinks neither nature nor genetic modification made them sweet enough the first go around and use Cool Whip, because a working student like me simply does not have time to whip her own whipped cream.  As everything I make, they turned out superbly, as far as you will ever know until Mark audits me for our next book collaboration.  Plus, we all know I only continue to make Mark’s recipes because he affords me the opportunity to exercise my wit in wordy blog posts and to Instagram beautiful food.

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