One week after making my highly unmotivated resolutions, I feel tired, sore, and uncontrollably chubby, however, I’ve stuck to all of my resolutions.
I’ve worked out or run everyday. I think I might cancel my gym membership. It was one of those things where I had these grandiose visions of getting jacked and making friends at the gym, so I went to the most expensive gym around (rhymes with “daytime”) and got a membership. I liked going for a while, but never felt comfortable enough to utilize all the equipment. The actual jacked people turned me off from looking like I was trying to get jacked. Then there were all the gym socializers who just stood around taking up space and sitting on mats with all the weights I needed. I never used my training “bucks,” so they expired. Gym money making tactics continue to work flawlessly. Lure them with free things to which you’ll never have to own up. I got back to using my NTC app. I used it when I first starting working on my fitness and was shocked by how difficult this first week seemed. ‘How did I ever do all of these exercises without rest at 4:30AM before a 9 hour workday?’ It makes me a little hopeful I’ll get back to where I was, but I’m so impatient. I want to be good at the programs now. I want to be lean now. The in-between phase makes me so uncomfortable.
I started eating more à la my resolutions. I’ve been eating more than my previous 1200-1500 kcal and it’s low-key killing me. I hate feeling chubby. It’s physically uncomfortable. I’m sure I still look relatively the same, but I feel different. I think I’m probably gaining muscle back, but the 5 pounds just feels stored on my belly. How amazing, you can train the body to do so many incredible things, be stronger, be more flexible; but once the brain has an idea in it, it’s incredibly difficult to change it. Despite unrelenting support, I still think my body is inadequate. Despite medical advice, I still want to weigh less. Despite all the math formulas and science telling me I’m “normal” and delegating how many kcal I should be eating, I still want to eat less, so I can be lean. I know muscle burns more fat and eating less isn’t the only way to lose weight or look fitter, but it seems like the fastest way. And I am desperately impatient. Obviously, after 4 years of accredited collegiate nutrition education, I know all about nutrition, eating disorders, and exercise, but my brain can’t get rid of the desire to cut calories letting the muscles and bones peek through. 4 years of college hasn’t erased my negative body image ideas, maybe the 5th year will.
My instas have gone nearly hashtagless. That was an easy one, but it’s really about not needing a certain number of likes to feel good about the post. I’m working on feeling better without the superficial “support” of Instagram likes. I’ll keep promoting my social media, but that’s about my future goals, not just about current confidence.
My Duolingo progress has been going well, too. I love getting back into French and the app makes it fun.
This is my second blog post this month, so number 5 is happening. Slowly, but surely.
- Study more than just the night before an exam.
- Drink more water.
- Weigh myself less and trust the process.
- Hit daily Fitbit step goals.